Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i used baking grease as lip gloss
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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