I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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