I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
