i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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