1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
