her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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