I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
