I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
