Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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