I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
