and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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