apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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