4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
