Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
