Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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