Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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