mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
