I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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