He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
