this beer tastes like vomit already
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
