I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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