You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
