im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
