It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
