My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is Oprah even human
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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