Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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