So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
