I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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