why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
