I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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