I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
