I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
