I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
