you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
