Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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