just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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