I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
