If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
