I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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