Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She announced her abortion via fbk
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
