I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You ruined the universe
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
