i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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