theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
