I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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