I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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