I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
