I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize