cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize