you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
