So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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