I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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