see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
