you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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