I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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