there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
