obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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