my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
