I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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